they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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