OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is her dick bigger than yours?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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