Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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