forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
im on a boat
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