Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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