Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
