I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
