I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it because I queefed?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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