hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
