I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
