Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
