I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize