i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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