I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
