I can text with my tongue
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
