Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
