The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I could make wine with my vomit
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
