He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize