Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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