Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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