I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
