Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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