Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
