i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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