He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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