My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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