Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
so much tequila, so little girl.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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