Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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