So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sext me about skeletons
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
