thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
