And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
