okay pat passed out under dana's car
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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