I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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