i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize