My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize