dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
