glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
