I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
