dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
