I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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