why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
