On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
