Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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