Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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