i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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