shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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