Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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