If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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