You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
