You're so nebulous sometimes
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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