i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
