): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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