And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
