wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
