I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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