Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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