you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
