I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
