Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
