my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
foreskin is a definite game changer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
