cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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