You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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